Monday, December 21, 2009
R.I.P. LUANNE PLATTER AND VIKINGS '09 SEASON
Well, I guess the Vikings aren't a Superbowl team after all. Last night they played a mediocre 5-8 Carolina team that was starting a 3rd string quarterback, had a beat up offensive line, and lost their star running back in the first quarter. On national TV. Down the playoff stretch with home field advantage on the line. And the Vikes got blown out. Embarrassed. The game wasn't even close. Being a Vikings fan is not easy. In the movie Night on Earth, by Jim Jarmush, there is a great scene in which a man tells his story of having a sick infant. The baby is kept at the hospital after his wife gives birth, and things look really grim. He and his wife vow to not become attatched to the child, so it won't hurt as much if he doesn't make it. They even decide not to love him, to protect their own hearts. Well, the baby keeps surviving and fighting. After a couple of weeks, the husband and wife realize that the baby needs their love and support, and they break down sobbing and giving their baby all the love their hearts can pour out. When they rush to the hospital, the doctor informs them that the baby has passed away in the night. That is being a Vikings fan in a nutshell. Every year I vow not to get attatched. Not to get my hopes up. Every year they suck me in. Maybe put a few games together, upset a big team, and that's when I start to think "this is the year." This could actually happen! And that's when they collapse in uniquely stunning and soul crushing ways. Last night I could've lived if the Vikes had lost a close, hard fought game, but they didn't even show up. How can you not be fired up at this point in the season?!? How can you come out flat and not give a shit, with everything on the line??!?! The Vikes must be really distraught about the death of Brittany Murphy (AKA Luanne Platter from King of the Hill), because their hearts were not in the game. Maybe they can do an autopsy on both of them at the same time to find out what went wrong. What the hell happened to Adrian Peterson? Why didn't the Vikes throw the ball down the field until it was too late? Why was the only Carolina threat, Steve Smith, not double and triple covered? How has Bryant McKinnie gone from a premeire offensive lineman, to one of the worst left tackles I have ever seen play the game? Another season of frustration and unanswered questions. And next year, Favre will be retired and it will be back to creepy Childress "pumping up" a useless Tavaris Jackson. Have you ever screamed at the TV screen for the other team to hit YOUR quarterback harder? I have. That's the sad reality of the Tavaris experience. When I had my heart ripped out after the North Stars moved to Dallas because of a spiteful owner, I learned a valuable lesson. Professional sports are a business. Nothing is sacred. Just look at Art Modell and the Browns. Owners and players don't give a shit if you have a bad week, so why should you care about them (A Bronx Tale anyone?). I'll always be a Twins fan, but they got their championships in '87 and '91, so it's not as heartwrenching as my devotion to the Vikings. Just making the playoffs means nothing. Going to the superbowl and losing means nothing. Moral victories do not exist. I just want to see my beloved Vikings win a goddamn Superbowl before I die. Is that too much to ask?