Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Many years ago, I made a vow to never discuss politics with anyone ever again.  This may seem extreme, but hear me out.  If I agree with you politically, then great, but there is no need to discuss it.  If I disagree with you, nothing you can say will change my mind, and I would hope that your convictions are strong enough that I can't change them, so what's the point?  Friendships can be ruined over contrasting political views when they don't need to.  People should only be judged by their own personal interractions with you, but contrasting political views can screw that up.  Something as superficial as politics should not alienate people.  Superficial as politics?  Oh yes.  Contrary to what your 8th grade civics class, CNN, and the politicians themselves would have you believe, politics are just smoke and mirrors to distract people from what is really going on.  They are the circus which hides the underlying truth.  It doesn't matter who is in office, the capitalist machinery will roll on.  If you don't believe me, consider this.  Reagan, Bush, Clinton, and Bushy Jr. all had contrasting political views, and yet they all had the same Chairman of the Fed, an unelected post with more power than any president has over the economy.  Economics are far more important than politics, and I will gladly discuss those with you any time you would like!  Instead, we are distracted and polarized by a dog and pony show of sickening proportions.  The lack of education and ignorance in America has reached appalling heights, and the political arena mimics that completely.  Recently, Rep. Todd Akin made some ridiculous comments about "legitimate rape" and that women couldn't get pregnant from it, and yet he is still leading in the polls for the Missouri senate race.  Rep. Steve King made Akin seem almost reasonable with his recent statement that it is LEGAL for a sexual predator who has impregnated a 13 yr old to take her across state lines and force her to have an abortion.  What fucking planet are these people from??!?!  They are in the U.S. CONGRESS for fuck's sake.  Americans elected these brain dead fucking morons!  It's enough to drive you insane.  And that's why I don't discuss politics any more.
Here are Rep. King's comments in all their mind boggling, jaw dropping, outrageously ignorant, insanity:

Saturday, August 18, 2012


Reuters News Service- Portland, Oregon

The search for new posts has officially been called off, and blogs were declared dead yesterday.  Searchers and die hard fans had held out hope for the past few months that blogs would be found alive and healthy, but in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, they have given up hope.  Blogs had a full and happy life, reaching their personal and professional high point in the mid 2000's.  Some signs of trouble had appeared in recent years, as blogs had been dominated by narcissistic moms writing about their kids and Brooklyn hipsters writing about food trucks, but nobody expected a complete disappearance until blogs went missing a couple of months ago.  Blogs are survived by their younger, sexier, girlfriend Twitter, and their mentally challenged cousin Facebook.
In lieu of flowers, please Paypal a struggling writer money instead.

Sunday, May 6, 2012


I play a lot of chess over at Chess.com, and it's fun to compete against people from all over the world.  The internet has caused many drawbacks, including loss of privacy, misinformation, and scammers, but one of the positives is being able to play a game of chess anytime you want, with anyone on the planet.  The other day I saw that I had a message from somebody.  I didn't remember playing this guy, but apparently I must have beat him about a month ago.  It should be noted that my screen name on Chess.com is MinnesotaFats, and my avatar picture is Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard.  This is his message for me.  Enjoy:

you fucking fat piece of fucking shit!!!! you dont wanna play a rematch do you fat piece of shit!!!! you play with whites once and run away FUCK YOU!!!! i hope your fucking fat mum and dad die in a carcrash fucking hippo!!! go stuff your fat face with mcdonalds till you get a heartattack fat american mothefucker!!!! FUCK YOU
by Uchiha Susake      28 Days Ago

His acount (I'm assuming it's a he) has been closed, probably by moderators, so I couldn't find out where he was from or give him that rematch that he so desperately wanted.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


Thank you Bukowski
for convincing subsequent generations
of writers
that all they had to do is drink too much
and vomit on a page.
Despite not because.
Now all we have are
a shitload of
with bad livers
and thousands of pages of self indulgent vomit.
Thank you Bukowski.

Sunday, March 18, 2012


My whole life I have conducted a decades long informal poll about which holiday was a bigger amateur drunk fest, New Year's Eve or St. Paddy's Day.  The overall winner by a narrow margin is St. Paddy's Day, and I have to agree.  The drinking starts way earlier in the day, and is usually more excessive.  St. Paddy's Day almost comes with an expectation of chaos and mayhem, and it usually does ensue.  The thing that puts it over the top though?  Green puke.  I will say that on New Year's Eve, more people get drunk that normally don't drink, adding to it's amateur ranking, but it cannot compete with the classless abandon of St. Paddy's.
Spotted at the parade today in Southie: the Lexington Minutemen (some of whom looked like they may have actually witnessed the shot heard 'round the world in 1775) followed immediately by a Star Wars characters club (imagine 20 Comic Book Guys dressed as Jedis). 
And now to commemorate the holiday, a brief history of the Irish people:    potatoes, potatoes, potatoes, whiskey, potatoes, James Joyce, potatoes, NO POTATOES, move to South Boston, potatoes, more whiskey, potatoes, potatoes, Bono.
Don't let any Leprechauns steal your pot 'o gold!
Happy Amateur Day!

Monday, February 27, 2012


Every year I do an Oscar recap, but this year it feels more like a post mortem.  What a stinker.  A three hour cure for insomnia.
This is the first year in my life that I genuinely didn't care about the Oscars.  I've hardly seen any of the movies, and frankly I've grown tired of Hollywoods politicized self congratulatory cool kids prom.  I thought this year was going to suck, and had zero expectations for it.  Somehow the Oscars managed to score less than zero.
First of all, Billy Crystal sucks.  He has always sucked.  Every movie he has been in would be better without him.  The one movie I like that he starred in, When Harry Met Sally, succeeded in spite of his annoying, unbelievable acting.  Everybody (by everybody I mean the media, brain adled masses, and Hollywood suck ups) was thanking him for "saving the Oscars" and singing his praise.  Give me a break.  My friend commented that the Oscars were being hosted by the corpse of Billy Crystal.  I prefer to think of it as the ghost of Oscars past.  And a very unfunny ghost at that.  He opened with a wacky "funny" song medley spoofing all the best movie nominees.  How original.  A musical number to open the Oscars?!?  What cutting edge geniuses came up with that one?  It was incredulously downhill from there.  I thought his running jokes about Kodak declaring bankruptcy were totally appropriate cosidering the economy right now.  Who doesn't want to listen to a bloated multi-millionaire joke about businesses going under while there is 10% unemployment?  That's a no brainer.  Actually, that term applies to all his jokes.  No brainers.  No heart and no funny either.  If he pursed his lips like smug Jewish grandmother and waited for the forced laughter one more time, I was going to fly to Hollywood and punch him in his face Stewie Griffin style.
The rest of the show wasn't any better.  Hugo cleaned up all the technical awards, to the point of almost being embarrassing as person after person got up and kissed Scorscese's ring.  At least he deserves it.  Hugo is one of the only movies I've seen this year, and I figured it would do well considering it is a love letter to movies, directed by an aging legend, aimed at the exact people I assume make up the Academy's ranks.  Cirque du Soliel came out and did their cheerleaders on meth routine, with movie scenes projected behind them, which I guess made their routine about movies???  I've already forgotten most of the show, but I remeber that Melissa Leo didn't even swear, the other presenters were equally comatose, and Woody Allen didn't bother showing up again (smart guy).  The funniest moment of the ceremony was when one of the writers of The Decendants (a piece of shit movie that doesn't remotely deserve all the ridiculous praise that's been heaped on it- but that's another rant) mocked Angelina Jolie's insane skeleton pose in her slit dress. 
It's a pretty boring show when a list of dead people is one of the high points.
Why did I watch?  I can't help myself.  I really do love movies, and seeing an actor like Christopher Plummer finally win an Oscar makes the three predictable, bad joke filled, self indulgent hours worth watching.  Sort of.  At least I got to see Sascha Baron Cohen dump Kim Jong Il's "ashes" all over Ryan Seacrest.  It's pretty sad when the highlight of the show comes an hour and a half before it starts.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


What's with all these singers fucking with the national anthem?!?  Just sing the fucking song!!!  It's perfect as is, and not only do your stupid embellishments not improve it, they are downright disrespectful!  For his rendition of the Star Spangled Banner before the AFC Championship game today, Steven Tyler should have his U.S citizenship revoked permanently, and be immediately fired from American Idol.
I haven't seen anything butchered that bad since a pig roast at Stevie Wonder's house.
I've heard better sounds come out of a cat in heat having sex with a vacuum cleaner.
He should be ashamed to pull that shit, especially since his hometown team is called the Patriots!
They should run him out of Boston on a rail (it wouldn't take a very long pole.  I met him on Newbury St. once, and he's all of about 4'3").
He's the only Muppet I don't like.
Dude looks like a lady, but sings like a cum gargling crack whore.
Hey Steven....we've been getting some calls:
- Rue McClanahan wants her face back.
- Janis Joplin wants her hair back.
- Rebecca Black wants her singing ability back.
- Rip Taylor wants both his scarf and his voice back.
I wish there had been three amateur singers there to judge him and tell him he was "pitchy" and that his singing was "the worst thing I've ever heard" and "you will not be advancing."
He made Roseanne Barr's version look classy.
On the up side, he would be absolutely perfect as Cruella DeVille if they ever do a broadway musical of 101 Dalmatians.
Did I mention that I thought his singing was pretty shitty?
That is all.