Monday, February 27, 2012


Every year I do an Oscar recap, but this year it feels more like a post mortem.  What a stinker.  A three hour cure for insomnia.
This is the first year in my life that I genuinely didn't care about the Oscars.  I've hardly seen any of the movies, and frankly I've grown tired of Hollywoods politicized self congratulatory cool kids prom.  I thought this year was going to suck, and had zero expectations for it.  Somehow the Oscars managed to score less than zero.
First of all, Billy Crystal sucks.  He has always sucked.  Every movie he has been in would be better without him.  The one movie I like that he starred in, When Harry Met Sally, succeeded in spite of his annoying, unbelievable acting.  Everybody (by everybody I mean the media, brain adled masses, and Hollywood suck ups) was thanking him for "saving the Oscars" and singing his praise.  Give me a break.  My friend commented that the Oscars were being hosted by the corpse of Billy Crystal.  I prefer to think of it as the ghost of Oscars past.  And a very unfunny ghost at that.  He opened with a wacky "funny" song medley spoofing all the best movie nominees.  How original.  A musical number to open the Oscars?!?  What cutting edge geniuses came up with that one?  It was incredulously downhill from there.  I thought his running jokes about Kodak declaring bankruptcy were totally appropriate cosidering the economy right now.  Who doesn't want to listen to a bloated multi-millionaire joke about businesses going under while there is 10% unemployment?  That's a no brainer.  Actually, that term applies to all his jokes.  No brainers.  No heart and no funny either.  If he pursed his lips like smug Jewish grandmother and waited for the forced laughter one more time, I was going to fly to Hollywood and punch him in his face Stewie Griffin style.
The rest of the show wasn't any better.  Hugo cleaned up all the technical awards, to the point of almost being embarrassing as person after person got up and kissed Scorscese's ring.  At least he deserves it.  Hugo is one of the only movies I've seen this year, and I figured it would do well considering it is a love letter to movies, directed by an aging legend, aimed at the exact people I assume make up the Academy's ranks.  Cirque du Soliel came out and did their cheerleaders on meth routine, with movie scenes projected behind them, which I guess made their routine about movies???  I've already forgotten most of the show, but I remeber that Melissa Leo didn't even swear, the other presenters were equally comatose, and Woody Allen didn't bother showing up again (smart guy).  The funniest moment of the ceremony was when one of the writers of The Decendants (a piece of shit movie that doesn't remotely deserve all the ridiculous praise that's been heaped on it- but that's another rant) mocked Angelina Jolie's insane skeleton pose in her slit dress. 
It's a pretty boring show when a list of dead people is one of the high points.
Why did I watch?  I can't help myself.  I really do love movies, and seeing an actor like Christopher Plummer finally win an Oscar makes the three predictable, bad joke filled, self indulgent hours worth watching.  Sort of.  At least I got to see Sascha Baron Cohen dump Kim Jong Il's "ashes" all over Ryan Seacrest.  It's pretty sad when the highlight of the show comes an hour and a half before it starts.

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