OSCAR RECAP

Every year I do an Oscar recap, but this year it was tough to get motivated. The Oscars were just so fucking dull. I was almost as bored with the awards ceremony as James Franco was. Almost.
The Oscars should have some element of surprise at some point, and there was none this year, unless you count Roger Deakins being robbed of the cinematography award by an overrated Social Network. Otherwise, everything was so predictable (except for a few of my predictions, which didn't take into account the Academy's total infatuation with English period pieces. Didn't they get that out of their system with year after year of Merchant/Ivory wins?).
The winners are supposed to be the best actors in the world, so why can't they give a good fucking speech on the biggest stage there is?!??!? I mean, come on! Enough with the long lists of make-up artists, agents, and their dry cleaners! Give a speech that means something and is memorable.
Well, maybe I'm just getting too jaded, but this year really was monotonous. It was pure torture just trying to get through it. Watching the Oscars this year felt like work. Boring, unrewarding, volunteer work at that. It should be about big Hollywood moments, but delivered so few that I figured I'd write my own headlines for the night. Some are satire, and some are wishful thinking.....

MELISSA LEO DROPS F-BOMB, BUT ACCEPTANCE SPEECH IS STILL LAME
Kodak Theater, L.A.- Best Supporting Actress winner Melissa Leo provided the most exciting moment of the night by swearing on live TV, but then proceeded to ruin it by rambling on with the most embarassingly ingratiating speech since Sally Field. Well, what do you expect from somebody so desperate and needy that she took out full page ads begging for votes?

CHRISTIAN BALE'S BEARD ATTACKS TWO ESCORTS AT AFTER PARTY
Sardi's, L.A.- Best Supporting actor winner Christian Bale seems to be keeping a lid on his temper these days, but the same cannot be said for his out of control beard and moustache. At the Sardi's after party, two female escorts, who were there with Russel Brand, began teasing Bale for seemingly forgetting his wife's name during his acceptance speech, at which point Bale's beard (which had been spotted drinking heavily) flew into a rage before spitting at the escorts and throwing bits of food and soup that it had apparentely hidden earlier. The beard and the high priced hookers were separated and a barber was called.

OSCARS TROTS OUT KIRK DOUGLAS
Kodak Theater, L.A.- Confirming that he was still alive, Kirk Douglas presented the Best Supporting Actress award last night. As Douglas shuffled out, the entire world smiled awkwardly and clapped condescendingly. After struggling through his lines, Douglas tortured the nominees by not reading the winner's name in some sort of altzheimer's version of Punk'd. Many critics have said it is a commentary on how bad the ceremony was this year that a 94 year-old stroke victim provided the most buzz.

JULIA ROBERTS SUES ANNE HATHAWAY
Offices of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, L.A.- The acrtress Julia Roberts has filed suit against Oscar co-host Anne Hathaway stating "There is only room in this town for one anorexic, overrated, gigantic mouth superstar." Roberts also cited copyright infringment over the nickname "Croc Mouth" and stated that she would seek a percentage of earnings on any fiesty, independent, adorable women that Hathaway plays in future chick flicks.

RANDY NEWMAN WINS OSCAR, IMMEDIATELY WINS SECOND OSCAR FOR SONG ABOUT WINNING OSCAR
Kodak Theater, L.A.- Ol' Randy walkin' to the stage, walkin' up the steps. He takes the Oscar...wavin' to the crowd. He's just a guy, who's even more annoying talkin', than he is a singin'.....talks some more, makin' the 'ol bad jokes, lookin' back on time.....got the old winnin' Oscar blues. Bumph-bumph. Thank you!

NEWLYWEDS CHARLIE SHEEN AND LINDSAY LOHAN DIVORCING
Municipal Court, L.A.- Sheen and Lohan, who were married moments before the Oscars by a Scientologist preist, announced on Good Morning America that they are getting divorced. Lohan cited domestic abuse and infidelity as the reason that their 3 hour and 45 minute marriage was ending. Sheen responded by calling Lohan a "devil bred snake" who has caused him "nothing but misery as she deprived me of a lot of my drugs" and didn't give him space for "Sheen time!" He went on to say that he hoped that Lohan would "get ebola virus and die. Only then would she be spared from the lightning bolts of my eyes." Sheen is shopping around a tell-all book about their short-lived, but tempestuous relationship. Bidding starts at one kilo.

Maybe they'll let Ricky Gervais host next year. That'd spice things up at least....