MIXING IT UP

Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. Another poker blog. Great. The world needs another poker blog like Tiger Woods needs another Bennigan's cocktail waitress. Well, this blog may very well morph into a movie, sports, or food blog. Who knows. What I do know is that half of my miniscule bankroll is gone due to apathetic play, outright stupid play (when am I going to learn to fucking stop slow playing sets?!? Or slow playing at all for that matter), and a few bad beats mixed in. Time to take a break and mentally prepare for my Foxwoods trip. In the meantime, I will continue my dedication to entertain you, my loyal readers, with jokes, pictures, and witty observations. So here we go:

Guy is at a poker game. He hits bottom two pair and hears a voice in his head "Go all-in." So he does, everyone calls and his two pair hold up. The voice says "Play a tournament." So he takes that money and enters a tourney. At the final table he has the Hammer in late position and the voice says "Bluff them." So he does and wins a huge pot. After winning the tourney the voice says "Go to Vegas." So he goes to Vegas and enters the Main Event. Halfway through the tourney he is dealt two black aces! The voice says "Go all-in." So he does, and gets three callers! The flop comes 10h-Jh-Qh and the voice says "Oh shit."

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"No officer, I absolutely have not been huffing paint. Why would you ask that. I have definitely, 100 percent not been....why are you holding up that mirror...ohhh. Yeah. I've been huffing paint."

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Last, just a shout out to my beloved Vikings, who appear to be back on track after a rough loss to Arizona, and the rougher loss of E.J. Henderson. Is this their year? I can only hope. I've been down this road many times before. I know better than to take anything for granted. Go Vikes!

POKER TIPS FOR BEGINNERS

What follows are exerpts from the book “Math Shmath: The Fool’s Guide to Foolproof Winning at Hold ‘Em” written by Jersey Rob, the winningest player on the American Legion Post Charity Tournament circuit. It has helped me get my game to where it is, and it may help you…..

Chapter One: NEVER fold an Ace!
“The Ace is like the highest card in the deck! Nothing beats an Ace, so it doesn’t matter what the other card in your hand is, just call everything! And if FullTilt.com has taught me anything, it is that an Ace always comes out on the river……”

Chapter Four: Inside Straight Draws (and why you should bet the farm on them).
“It’s such a good feeling when that miracle card pops up once every 80 times or so (I don’t know the exact math) that it’s worth losing your entire stack the other 79 times (or so)……..On a related note; if you have one heart in your hand and the flop has two hearts, make no mistake my friend, you are on a flush draw! Stick it out to the bitter end- you only need two more hearts after all.”

Chapter Seven: ALWAYS Raise with Queen-four.
“I don’t know what it is about that hand, it just seems lucky…….and if it’s suited- forget about it! Suited hands are ALWAYS worth playing even if it’s 9-2. The flush is one of the highest up hands you can get……”

Chapter Thirteen: Keep your sense of humor.
“….Whenever somebody hits a horrible suck out on the river, it is always appropriate to point and laugh at the player who lost. It’s imperative that everybody keep their sense of humor. After all, poker is supposed to be fun right?.......On the other end of the spectrum, every once in awhile after a bad beat, flip the table over, chips and all. It let’s the other players know you are both passionate and deadly serious about winning. This is easier done in a home game, as the casino tables tend to be bolted down…..”

Conclusion:
“Remember; if you win, poker is a clever psychological stategery game, and if you lose, it’s a worthless game of chance for greasy dandruff riddled pedophiles. Keep this in mind and you will never have a bad day at the tables!”

I highly recommend this book. It is available wherever Jersey Rob’s car trunk is. If you follow this book’s advice meticulously I can honestly say that I would love to see you across from me at the poker table! Happy Gambling!