Friday, February 26, 2010

C,eh? N,eh? D,eh?

What the hell is wrong with Canada these days?
First of all, they have the Olympics in the warmest city in their country. Geographically, it would be like the U.S. hosting the games in San Diego. Sure you can drive a couple hours to the mountains for skiing events, but it’s not really the ideal location for the WINTER games, now is it?
I’ve heard that Canada spent $110 million dollars on their “Own the Podium” campaign. That seems uber competitive, petty, and extremely un-Canadian. As they are quickly finding out, it takes a lot more than wishing for it to be so, and expensive ad campaigns, to win medals.
Now there’s been an incident where the crowd at a curling match shouted and jeered while the super hot Danish women’s team was curling (Tossing? Sliding? Pushing? What the hell do you call it?). Don’t tell me they didn’t know that was bad etiquette. They probably use infants as curling stones in a pinch. I think Canadians are born with one of those little Swiffer things in their hands. The only country where they actually even play that “sport” had to resort to cheating/angle shooting to win a match?? Pathetic. They should be sweeping up the competition without any help from the crowd. Pretty good pun, eh?
I live right on the border of the US and Canada, and so I’ve been watching quite a bit of the games on the Canadian CTV broadcast. It is embarrassing. They are so ridiculously, over the top, insanely biased. To hear their coverage, you’d think a Canadian was the favorite to win the gold in every event. Sometimes I don’t know what race they are watching. When Seth Wescott made an incredible recovery and came from 20 lengths behind to win gold in snowboard cross, all they could talk about was how impressive it was that the Canadian that he passed was going to medal. When one Canadian wiped out in a skiing event I literally thought they were going to cut to a commercial before the competition was over. They just stopped talking. Unbelievable.
And then not one, but two ice surfacing machines break during the speed skating competition causing delays and embarrassment. Maybe the Olympics aren’t the time to try out some upstart company’s “innovative” new machines. Maybe they should have hired the company that the fucking Zamboni machine was named after, duh!
By the way, Coca-Cola runs ads on Canuck TV that shows Canadian hockey fans drinking coke and ends with “Let’s show them who’s game they’re playing.” What?!? Is there anything more American than Coca-Cola? Treason! Two faced bastards! I’d boycott the stuff if I didn’t love it so much. Which made the USA Hockey Team’s victory over Canada that much sweeter. Somehow the US was the scrappy underdog beating the heavily favored home team. A victory 50 years in the making. It sure felt good.
Now, during the same Olympics that Scotty Lago was unfairly sent home for letting a woman kiss his medal, the Canadian women’s hockey team is drinking (some underage) and smoking on the ice??!?!? Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who gives a shit about the rules?!? (sorry- just had to stick a Walter quote in there)
Maybe these games were just plain cursed. From the death of a luger, the malfunctioning Olympic cauldron, riots, an athlete’s mother dying of a heart attack, and most importantly losing a Boner, everything has been a bit off in Vancouver. The fog, rain, and icy courses may just be karmic retribution for Canada acting so un-Canadian. We're going to have to change the expression to "Ugly North Americans." What’s next? Are they going to repeal universal health care and start shooting each other? From William Shatner to gravy and cheese curds on fries, to Wayne Gretzky, to BC weed, they’ve given us a lot of good things. I’ve always said how great Canada is. Don’t make me a liar you Looney spendin’, LaBatts drinkin’, beaver lovin’ Canucks.

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