Thursday, July 14, 2011


Holy crap.
When I found out about this show, my head exploded.  When I got done duct taping my cranium back together, I immediately tuned in to TLC to check it out (yes-  it's on The Learning Channel).
It did not disappoint.
It's never too early to teach young girls about superficiality, eating disorders, spray tans, narcissism, and the failed, misplaced dreams of their mothers.  I don't advocate violence as much as I did when I was younger, but I'll make an exception in the case of these beauty pageant parents.  They should all be taken out and beaten with extension cords, wire hangers, and barbed wire while being sterilized so they can't torture any more children.
The kids in the show are pretty entertaining.  My favorite was the little hyperactive girl who wants to be in horror movies, and punishes her mom by making her wear bunny ears in the audience at the pageants.  She has a speech impediment, so she refers to her beauty dress as her "booty" dress.  A Freudian slip in so, so, so many ways.  She is also on Prozac.
There is one little girl who is missing her front two teeth like a normal 5 year old kid, so they stick fake teeth on her before she goes on stage.
There is the token black contestant who the pageant emcee condescendingly calls a "real trooper" and "a wonderful girl" who just needs "a modeling coach" and "maybe a more appropriate dress."  She must have meant a more expensive dress, because none of those dresses were appropriate for a little kid.
The episode I saw was in Vegas, so they had a "Glitz" category instead of a bathing suit competition (even these nut jobs haven't gone that far.......yet).  For "Glitz," the girls dress up as showgirls, or strippers, or cigarette girls, or blackjack dealers and strut around stage doing horribly suggestive moves while their parents hoot and holler and egg them on.  It was truly a spectacle.  At the end of the pageant, the gigantic trophies are handed out and the tantrums of the losers begin.  Sometimes the little girls get upset too.  They also hand out a cash prize to the top girl. 
Wear a ton of trashy make up, strut around on stage half dressed, shake your ass, and get handed a bunch of cash.  Super positive lesson.  They even have the winner fan out the bills and pose for pictures. 
It's always great to see the next generation of pill popping, attention craving, stripping, head case, future meth heads and plastic surgery victims growing up.
It almost brings a tear to your eye.

Toddlers & Tiaras airs on TLC on Wednesday nights, and former participants of the show can be found in strip clubs and psychologist offices all across America.


  1. The fake teeth are called a "flipper." As in, "Now you listen to Momma and keep that flipper in your mouth this time so you look pretty for the judges, BritanneeSue! A touchy gag relex will get you nowhere girl." (Spoken by a "pagent mom" wearing size 22 pastel leggings and sitting on the sofa pushed against the trailer wall to make space for endless talet rehersals.)

  2. Haha- you must of seen the show! Perfect description. I've moved on to Dance Moms. That's the show where a 422 pound berates little girls about their dance technique and dedication until they cry.

  3. *422 pound woman