Saturday, March 12, 2011


A devastating earthquake and tsunami has hit Japan, the U.S. economy continues to reel, and there is full blown civil war in Libya. But who gives a shit about all that. What has Charlie Sheen said lately?!?
The frenzy of Sheen mania that has swept the nation is mind-boggling. Over a million followers in his first 24 hours on Twitter, hundreds of thousands views of his webshow Sheen's Korner ("you're either in Sheens Korner, or you're with the trolls"), and an interview on every talk show/TV magazine/morning show/podcast/blog/ham radio broadcast that exists. The t-shirts are rolling off the presses, the live shows are booked for Chicago and Detroit, and a "reality" show cannot be far behind. The overexposure of Sheen is quickly reaching it's tipping point. This will undoubtedly end up cult-like, with Charlie on the Island of Misfit Hookers somewhere in the Pacific with a big batch of tiger blood kool-aid. Just like the final scene from Charlie's favorite movie, Apocalypse Now, he'll be surrounded by his last few porn star and fanboy groupies, dripping water on the back of his neck asking John Stossel if he is an assassin. During the filming of Apocalypse Now, Charlie's dad Martin had a nervous breakdown from the pressures of the shoot, a bad divorce, and alcohol abuse. Coppola filmed it and used it as the opening of the movie. Now Charlie has been filming his own breakdown. The parallels between Apocalypse Now and Charlie's life are astounding. If you tried to contemplate them all, your mind would explode and your face would melt as your children wept over your dead body. He even wants to name his soon to be banged out autobiography, Apocalypse Me. I guess Charlie does surf after all, but he "rides the crest of a media tsunami on a mercury surfboard."
The meltdown will be televised. And tweeted. And live streamed. As I was watching the latest Sheen's Korner (I had to watch it strictly for research) it reminded me of something I had seen before, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then it occurred to me. Geraldo Rivera's interview with Charles Manson! Both Charlies have a way of stringing incoherent rants of semi-truths together in a somewhat rhythmic bat shit crazy meter. They both can turn an insane phrase. They sound (and sometimes even look) so similar that I started wondering if I could tell them apart. I've devised the Charlie or Charlie quiz so you can test yourself.
Pick which Charlie said each quote (answer key at end):

1) “The real strong have no need to prove it to the phonies.”

2) "I'm tired of ignoring that I march to a different beat."

3) "I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes. And I don't think people are ready for the message that I'm delivering, and delivering with a sense of violent love."

4) “From the world of darkness I did loose demons and devils in the power of scorpions to torment.”

5) "Here's the good news. If I realize that I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane."

6) "People say you have to work on your resentments. Yeah, no, I'm gonna hang onto them and they're gonna fuel my attack."

7) “Ego is the man, the male image. Ego is the phallic symbol, the helmet, the gun. The man behind the gun, the mind behind the man behind the gun. My philosophy is that ego is the thinking mind. The mind you scheme with, make war with. They shoved all the love in the back, hid it away. Ego is like, "I'm going to war with my ego stick."

8) "You either love or you hate. You live in the middle, you get nothing."

9) “I can't judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in.”

10) "But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know."

11) " He's a Flying Tiger man, from Madam Shanghai's Shack. I just wrote him a letter today. "

Bonus Round:
A) " Pain's not bad, it's good. It teaches you things. I understand that. "

B) "Pain is a myth. Pain is as painful as you want it to be."

ANSWERS (but does it really matter?):
1) Manson
2) Sheen
3) Sheen
4) Manson
5) Sheen
6) Sheen
7) Manson
8) Sheen
9) Manson
10) Sheen
11) Manson

A) Manson
B) Sheen

Enjoy watching the rest of Charlie Sheen publicly imploding and disintegrating before our eyes....

1 comment:

  1. I can't even imagine the time and energy that went into researching and writing this post. Maybe you could divert part of this effort and achieve peace in the Middle East or something. Just a thought...