I'M LIKE A CHOCOHOLIC, BUT FOR BOOZE

I’m looking for a new town to move to, and since I’m an avid poker player, I was looking into Vegas. After the economic crash, I read some daunting stories about 600 people lining up for one open position at Dunkin’ Donuts in Vegas. The biggest boom towns quickly turn into the biggest bust towns during a fiscal collapse. If that wasn’t enough to scare me off, I read a funny warning on a poker forum about moving to Vegas. The comment said: “If you have a vice, Vegas will find it and destroy you.” Beautifully put. The thought of Vegas sending out little oompah-loompah/leprechaun hybrids to find vices among it’s residents and exploit them cracked me up. Since I’ve had just about every vice at one point or another, maybe Vegas isn’t the spot for me. If I was in the Navy, I would be a Vice Admiral. My favorite show from the 80’s was Miami Vice. My royal title would definitely be Viceroy. Vice grips are a tool I can really get behind. I’m the Vice President of Viceland. I like the word “advice” because it has a vice in it. I think you get the idea.

I used to say that everybody has at least one or two vices no matter who they are. Mark Twain said “I don’t have a particle of confidence in a man with no redeeming petty vices.” I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a vice per se, but everybody has at least one addiction. Something that you can’t, or wouldn’t want to, live without. Something that makes you happy. Something worth getting out of bed for in the morning. For some people that might be World of Warcraft. For others it might be making money, or shopping, or sex. For some people it might be crystal meth. My dad is the squarest guy you’ll ever meet, but his addiction is books. Reading ‘em, buying ‘em, reviewing ‘em, hoarding ‘em, which all makes sense because he is a professor and a writer. Nonetheless, he couldn’t quit them and wouldn’t want to. Everybody has something. Maybe it’s out in the open, or maybe it’s a secret, but everyone has that something that gives them that quickened heartbeat and that hand rubbing glee of anticipation. For me, at different times it’s been food, poker, alcohol, television, women, weed, whippets, chess, coke, writing…….

I guess you might say I have an addictive personality.

Maybe that’s why I love shows like Intervention so much. Well, the first half of the episode at least. When you get to see people using and behaving badly, and you hear the story of how they got so messed up. The second half is all touchy-feely when they get better. Boooorrrrrrrrring. Give me the meth head exhaling a huge cloud of tooth rotting smoke. Give me the kid smoking an OxyContin pills off of a sheet of foil. And give me the woman inhaling the aerosol cans used to clean keyboards. That’s right, you heard me right. They call it duster, and people go to Office Max and buy cans of keyboard cleaner air blowing cans. They suck the air right from the nozzle and get fucked up. The chemicals in the aerosol have the same affect as huffing paint or any one of the other brain-cell-genocide inhalants out there. The woman’s name is Allison, and if you get a chance to watch her episode, I highly recommend it.

What the hell was my point? Oh yeah, so everyone has that one thing that they can’t do without. The thing that makes a long shitty day at work bearable because you have a redeeming petty vice waiting for you at the end of it. What is yours?