Friday, March 12, 2010


America is at a crossroads. We must take action immediately, or we will lose our way of life. Elections have gotten out of control. Do you realize that some of the people who are voting are women, blacks, and poor people? Some people who vote didn’t even go to college, let alone an Ivy League school! How have we let this happen? First those pinko commies back in the 19th century made us give up our slave labor. OK, that was a minor setback, but then they started regulating businesses to prevent huge monopolies. How un-American is that?!? Then in the 20th century, the head socialist of them all, that communist manifesto thumping, Lenin loving, freak, FDR crammed a bunch of wacky legislation down America’s throat to protect “quality of life,” and “create jobs,” and provide a “system of security for old age.” What a crock. Why can’t they live off of their trust funds and corporate pensions like normal people? How despicable to push irresponsible bills through in a time of national fear and economic crisis. No wait, actually that’s a pretty good technique. I think we could use that to our advantage at some point..….
Let me get back on message, though. I propose that we offer every American who earns under $100,000 a year a $150 rebate to NOT vote. I’m sure they could use the money to buy breaded dough products or crunk cocaine or whatever it is that they do. My plan would actually save money by reducing the need for expensive negative campaign ads and alleviate the riff-raff congestion on Election Day.
America faces an even bigger challenge than the democratization of elections. Let us not ignore the giant elephant in the room (at least it’s better than a giant donkey in the room, am I right?). Health care has become an unavoidable inconvenience. Sure, we have manipulated, blackmailed, and railroaded the current bill into such a mangled mess that it will actually benefit our friends in the insurance business and decrease care, but I say we can do even better than that. Hear me out. Our friends at Halliburton’s division of Synthetic and Carbon Use Management (SCUM) have come up with some incredibly innovative breakthroughs in organic fuel and building material production. The wiz’s in their labs have perfected a process which can convert human blood into high octane jet and yacht fuel. They can also fabricate a material out of human bones that is strong enough to be suitable for mansion walls.
Here’s how we can put this technology to work.
Since insurance premiums are skyrocketing and general health is declining, we will have numerous uninsured people checking into hospitals. They would be evaluated by a fair and balanced committee, which would determine their best use. It seems like bad PR to call them “death panels,” so I propose we name them after a great American thinker and call them Palin Boards. Those deemed a bad financial risk, or simply not worth the effort, would be semi-humanely euthanized and their blood, bones, and organs would be harvested (I think we all know a few hard drinking CEO’s who could use a new liver, am I right?). These donors would be labeled Patriots, and would actually be contributing something to high society for the first time in their pathetic lives. It is a win win situation. We would reduce dependence on those horrid, evil, foreign countries for our essential luxury vehicle fuel, and also gain valuable building materials, since we may not be able to deforest the National Parks (thank you dirty hippie tree huggers).
I have great hope for this plan. It should be a breeze to get through congress (since there’s nothing cheaper to buy than a congressman, am I right?) Christ, my bank bought Sen. Dodd with a no interest loan and a job promise after he leaves congress! I’m always amazed at how cheaply they’ll sell their souls. Not that I’m complaining, mind you! Once we implement this modest proposal, we will be on the road to lower population, cheap resources, and less peasant resistance. We can make this country great again. Thank you for your time. God bless money, and may God bless (1% of) America!

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